I was up until 3 in the morning last night. Luke was having a rough night, which is extremely rare for him. We actually have considered him the World’s Easiest Newborn. I’ve even said I don’t even feel like I have a newborn. HA. Hahahaha. Ha.
Anyways, Matt eventually slept with him on the couch so I could get some rest for a couple hours. Which is amazing, considering he has a full 9-hour work day today and doesn’t get to nap during naptime like I do. (Although I’m choosing to write this instead of nap and I am probably going to regret that in about 47 minutes when I lay my head down and the first of three children decides they’re fully rested.)
So, all that to say, forgive me if this is scatterbrained.
Things have been interesting around here lately. Last Friday, at 10 days postpartum, I had an “emergent postpartum hemorrhage”. I wound up in the ER and then in emergency surgery. I lost insane amounts of blood, definitely putting me in the transfusion category. But the doctor said that the pros and cons of a slow recovery outweighed the pros and cons of a transfusion. Which puts me on the slow recovery path.
I have actually been extremely frustrated and angry since last Friday. I had been feeling the best I have ever felt after a delivery. I had tons of physical energy and strength, I had jumped right back into life and we were adjusting fantastically to having a third child (third living child). I was just so incredibly thankful and happy to be feeling so awesome. And then all this happened.
And I feel like I’m starting at the bottom. And even as I write this, my ears are screeching. It all sounds so complain-ey and whine-ey, I can’t even handle it. I know things could’ve been a lot worse. In fact, when I woke up on Friday morning in a puddle of blood and yelled for Matt in panic, I’ve never seen him so rattled or urgent, and insistent about getting to the emergency room immediately. He’s been an RN for years and is in his final year of a Nurse Practitioner program. He knows this stuff, he sees injuries and illness and very serious things all the time. But he told me later that he had never seen so much blood and thought I was on the brink of bleeding out. Which doesn’t take very long. So I know it could’ve been a lot worse. And I’m thankful it was all taken care of and I’m on the road to recovery.
But I can’t help but be so frustrated about it all. Why, God? Why this? What the crap? I’m tired of dealing with stuff. I just want an easy, smooth life from here on out.
I don’t think this is too much to ask for.
And I know a large part of it is that I haven’t had the time or energy to really soak in God’s Word and spend time with him in prayer. I was talking to Courtney yesterday and I was telling her that it amazes and scares me how quickly my sinful nature becomes normal and natural to me. I don’t have to go very long without adequate time in the Bible and prayer before things like being impatient and easily angered are normal and acceptable to me. I’m hardly, if even, grieved at all by it.
Right now, I get my time in the Word from my phone while I’m nursing Luke. And I was telling her that I’ll get glimpses from that time of what the spiritual life looks like and what my life should look like because I have the living, empowering, equipping Spirit of God living in me and it takes me by surprise because I’ve already forgotten. Just that quick. Crazy, isn’t it?
So I don’t have a big spiritual lesson to wrap this all up with. Except maybe to remind myself that today is a new day. God’s grace is fresh today. It’s enough. I have everything I need to live a godly life through his Holy Spirit living in me. I can always return to the Cross, receive forgiveness and mercy in my time of need. God is not tired of me and my failures and mistakes. There’s no such thing as saying I’m sorry too many times. If I sin against my children in my anger and impatience seventy times seven, then I ask for forgiveness seventy times seven. (Or something like that.)
And I take the measures of grace God gives me. Like today for example. I’m constantly listening to sermons and podcasts and broadcasts. And today I was feeling like my mind was going to implode out of exhaustion and having non-existent energy. So I put on today’s Focus on the Family broadcast and can you believe what it was? Parenting with Love by Dr. John Maxwell. Can you believe it? Of course it was. And everything he said was so applicable and straight to my heart. I love that. I love how God does that.
Hopefully someone else is encouraged by that too. Don’t believe Satan’s lies that you’ve messed up too much. You’re too much of a failure. You’ll never get it right. You’ll always be this way. No. Those are lies. Recognize them as lies and then fill your mind with Truth. If we sin, let’s repent. If we sin against someone else, let’s humble ourselves and say I’m sorry and ask for their forgiveness. If we’re struggling, let’s stop and pray and ask for help. If we find ourselves trying to escape through any other outlet, let’s take some time to stew in God’s Word.
I don’t want to be hardened to my sin. I don’t want my sinful nature to become normal and natural. I want a tender heart, grieved by the things that grieve the heart of God. And I want to walk in the truth of the knowledge of God’s love for me. Not his condemnation, his love.
Thank you, Lord, for that.
And on a happier note, here are some more pictures from our session with Meghan.
And then some ones from my phone from the last couple of weeks.
|Lots of this happening these days. Bliss.|
|These boys LOVE their brother. So sweet to see.|
|Behind the scenes at Luke’s photo shoot. Learning from the best, Miss Meghan.|
|Can’t get enough of this little guy.|
|Those lips get me every time.|
|My blood type wrist band I had to wear for several days in case I did need a transfusion after all.|
|Asher’s new kicks, thanks to my uncle’s awesome packages he sent us full of fun things.|
|This kid. I love him.|
|This kid too. I just love them, man. He’s watering (?) the chair?|
Happy Thursday, friends.