I’ve never been so happy for a day to be done and over with in my entire life than July 4th. Grace’s due date. I dreaded the day for days and weeks. My sweet friend texted me on Wednesday to let me know she was praying and to ask how I was doing and I replied that Thursday felt insurmountable, like I couldn’t even see Friday. But as days tend to do, they pass. And her day was here before I could quite wrap my mind around it.
I cried off and on the whole day. It’s hard not to think about the what-should’ve-beens. I can scarcely think about them now, much less write them out. The Lord was merciful though in that I had an extra-sweet time that morning in his Word and in prayer. He reminded me again that true joy comes from him and there’s more to this story than I can see right now.
One of the passages I read was Habakkuk 3:17-19. In a nutshell – though everything should stink and things not turn out the way I want, “Yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will take joy in the God of my salvation” (vs.18).
Learning that lesson over and over (and over and over).
We wanted to do something special for her on her day so we brought her flowers and visited her as a family.
A huge milestone is past and it didn’t kill me (even though there were moments that day it felt like it would). We continue to move forward and live life without our girl. Sometimes I wonder, How is this our story? I look back to the weeks of bliss when I was only pregnant and had none of the impending devastation and I wonder, How did this happen? How did we get here? Sometimes it still feels like I’m on the outside looking in on someone else’s life.
I am so thankful for the thoughtfulness of my family and friends that day. The flowers delivered and brought by, the texts, the messages, the posts, the prayers. I was determined to find some joy in the day and I did. And where I lacked, others brought it to me.
We ended the day at our city’s fireworks show. One son asleep in my arms and the other asleep in Matt’s as we watched the fireworks explode in the sky and my heart felt full. Before I knew it the day was over. We had survived. And I’ve never been so happy to see July 5th in my entire life.