I thought I should update you on the last week since I specifically asked you to pray. I wish I could say that I magically felt better after reaching out but I think the difficult thing about grief is that you still have to walk through the milestones and pain and memories and loss and anniversaries. I think the big difference that I felt though is that it didn’t feel unbearable as it had before. I could tell people were praying for me. (Which is always amazing to me, by the way.)
Tuesday was by far the hardest day, the 30 week mark. I was teary and easily angered most of the day. Asher and I visited her resting spot while Micah was at school and I felt like I usually do when I visit her – so incredibly sad that I have to go to a cemetery to visit my daughter.
After we left, I had to return some shoes at a store Which-I-Shall-Leave-Unnamed and had a terrible return experience with the employee helping me. Long story short – I left with the shoes. I was so mad and felt extra indignant and self-righteous because I wanted to yell at the lady that I had just come from my daughter’s grave and could she possibly wipe the defiant smirk off her face and possibly have a little more compassion???
Later that day I could not escape the Holy Spirit’s conviction that he wanted me to call and apologize to her. At one point I literally said out loud, No, why do I care? I don’t want to do it. But I could not get out from under the weight of it. So I finally called and asked to speak with her (but she wasn’t there) so I left the most awkward message they have probably ever received. Can you please tell her that I’m the girl who was in this morning trying to return my son’s shoes? I was very rude to her and I just wanted to call and apologize….
So quite honestly that’s what the day looked like. Tears and sadness and anger followed by I’m-sorry’s. The boys. Matt. The store lady.
We had already decided to go to a worship night that night and I’m so glad I had already committed to a friend that we’d be there because we actually turned around on the way because I did not feel like I could tolerate seeing so many people. But then I remembered I’d already told her we’d be there so we turned back around and ended up going. My heart wasn’t in the worship and I only sang about two lines the whole night but it did feel good to just sit and talk with the Lord in my heart.
And I ended up having such great, encouraging conversations after that I’m pretty sure the Lord had orchestrated it previously to make sure we were there.
So. We’re past another painful milestone, the one beside her birthday that I was dreading the most actually.
Thank you, Lord, for your grace. Thank you for Grace. Thank you that we experience fellowship with you in our sufferings (Philippians 3:10).
And thank you to the huge lot of you that wrote to let me know you were praying. It has a greater impact than I can express and I think even than I fully know.
To end on a happy note, here are some pictures off my phone from the last week.
|That is a dead wasp. IN OUR HOUSE. Killed by ME. Have I never mentioned my manic/phobic fear of bugs? No? Well, it’s manic and it’s phobic and I was probably (definitely) praying out loud the entire time.|
|This is the smile Micah gives every time I ask to take his picture. I love it.|
|Asher is our cuddle-bug. He’s always down for a good snuggies.|
|He let me take his picture but he had to get all his current favorite toys first.|
|Showing me how they’re lined up.|
Have a great weekend, my friends. So thankful for each of you.