Hello. Welcome back. Glad to see your face again.
Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I wasn’t aware how many women have been affected by this until I went through it myself. You tend to think it happens to someone out there. But not near me and heaven forbid, not to me.
I am almost 6 months out from losing my little girl. The pain is better. Not gone but better. I don’t find that I’m knocked back by what I’ve come to call Grief Bombs as often. An unexpected trigger that sends you reeling into grieving all over again. Like when I turned around in church to “meet someone new” and found myself staring into the face of the man in charge of the funeral home. The one who asked if we wanted to stay while they lowered her body into the ground. My heart immediately hurt and my eyes immediately filled with tears and I found myself lost in Grace-land all over again.
Those are grief bombs. And I hate them. But I’m finding less of them hidden away in the ground I walk.
God’s timing is so funny to me. But before I can really explain his timing, I should probably let you in on a little secret.
Surprise! The newest member of the McNutt Family will be joining our household early June of 2014.
We’ve known for several weeks but have kept it pretty quiet. This was the first time we didn’t announce it to the world as soon as we knew. In fact I enjoyed treasuring it in my heart this time around, knowing I had this unbelievable blessing and gift from God in my belly. We had planned to sit on it for awhile but then Sarah took my picture today and Matt didn’t want to keep it a secret anymore and then I thought, What the heck, let’s share the joy.
We had our first appointment this morning where we saw a strong regular heartbeat. After so many months of turmoil listening to Grace’s heart labor and struggle to beat sufficiently I can’t tell you the soul-deep relief we had to hear a regular heartbeat.
What timing that the day for remembrance of our loss is also a day of confirming new life in me. God, you are good.
But here’s where I reach out to you who’ve walked so faithfully with us – will you pray for us? Will you pray for me? Will you pray for this sweet blessing in my belly? For God’s peace to guard against all the thoughts of fear and worries and what-ifs. For this baby to be formed wholly and to God’s glory? I tell myself, My heart can’t take another loss. I can’t walk through that pain again. But I know in all things God is sufficient and he’s never-changing and he loves me and my family and this baby deeply and I can trust him. No matter what comes I can trust him. But that doesn’t mean we won’t ask like the dickens.
With much love,